So Long

I walked through the door, expecting to hear dinner. It had been left slightly ajar and the house was silent. “Hello?” I called into the darkness. I lay my keys down on the table and got a glass of water. You promised you’d be home. Upstairs I hear the floorboards creaking. “Hello?” The creaks turn to heavy steps, slowly shuffling down the hall. My breathing becomes shallow; I am not brave like you. “Hello?” I croak. I cannot disguise my fear. The footsteps stop. Being calm is not my strong point but I manage to navigate my way to the phone. I begin dialing your number and the footsteps return, eagerly making their way to the stairs. My fingers must have tripled in size because I can’t dial the right numbers. Tears begin to well in my eyes. You promised you’d be home.

My body begins to fold into itself on the floor and I wonder; when did I become this woman? My home is dark and empty besides myself and the footsteps. And I lay crumpled on the kitchen floor. I am afraid but I can manage. I am disappointed, even that I can manage. But, I am alone. And that I cannot fathom. Is this what happens when you’ve molded your existence around the person you love? I look up and realize the footsteps have reached the kitchen and are watching me from the doorway. Quietly, I dissolve into panic but never look away.

The light flickers on and I hear someone scream, ravenously. You said you’d be home, and there you are. “Did I scare you?” You ask me gently. You sit on the cold tile next to me and take my hand. “What the hell were you doing?” I cannot disguise my exasperation. “I have a surprise for you.”

You carry me up the stairs as I try to steady my breathing. You’ve never carried me anywhere.

one time

We can’t all be so lucky
To look like you do
You give me that stare
And you know what I’ll do
But I don’t really like you
At least, I don’t really want to

Not everyone is so stupid
To look back at you
I pretend not to care
When you force me to share
But I’m not fooling you
And that’s all I want to do.

Quantity

There have been too many times that I stepped into the garden and found myself, hours later, in the very same place. I fully believe I intended to move forward. This leads me to wonder how much what I believe really matters if indeed my body has its own agenda at a higher priority. Until the first day this happened, I fully believed we were all in cooperation. As the days pass my desires matter very little. My beliefs even less.

Twice now you’ve stopped in while I was tangled in the garden. You asked if I needed help and although I heard you, I could not articulate, nor did I know, what I may or may not need. My lack of response seemed to offend. For this I felt sorry for as long as two hours.

Sometimes while I find myself going neither here nor there I try to track my thoughts. I try to follow them from where they begin to where they end. But the funny thing about thoughts is they scare quite easily. It is quite a challenge to effectively track one from start to finish. I often catch the beginning of one’s journey but somewhere between the ups and the downs I find myself blinking and that is all it takes for a thought to escape your view.

Thus far I have said very little although I fully believed it could be compelling.

Dena is no longer in Frankfurt

but I might as well make use of this blog. So I plan to post some things I've written.

The leaves are turning...

I haven't updated this for about a month. My apologies!

What has been going on since I last posted... I had my birthday. I started meeting with a friend of a friend who needs help with his English for 10 Euro an hour. I have had six beers since being in Germany (this is an accomplishment given that I really disliked beer before coming here).

I feel like I am fitting in. A far cry from just six weeks ago when I thought I'd never survive. I may have been a bit melodramatic :) My only hope is that I get to experience more of the city's culture and history. Frankfurt is substantially new because it was so heavily destroyed during WWII but there are hidden pockets of what it once was. I guess I am struggling with the feeling that I am "missing out" on the sites (not that Frankfurt itself is full of the sites). But that is the difference between coming on vacation here and living here. I am not here just to see the big stuff, I am here to do and see everything I can. I am here to feel what it is like to live here, and be a part of this city. I think I am doing a good job of this.

Funny things people have said to me because I am American:

"You can't be American, you're not slutty enough."
"So I have to ask... BUSH?!?!"
"I'm very surprised that you are a smart person."
"Doesn't everyone want to die in Seattle?"
"You're not going to finish that? Doesn't everyone eat a ton in America?!"
After a lengthy lecture on the faults of American politics from this German guy...
-"I'm so glad you get to live here for a year and really understand what the rest of the world is doing."
-"Yeah, so have you lived outside of Germany? ...have you been to America?"
-"Well... no..."

-"Seattle?! Like that movie... what is it?"
-"Umm... you mean Sleepless in Seattle?"
-"YEAH! Awesome!"
This is funny to me because to be honest, I have never seen this movie. It came out when I was five. But that seems to be the main thing people think about Seattle other than Microsoft/Boeing and Nirvana.

Luckily, once people talk to me they usually get a better impression. I am glad to be a pleasant surprise, but it makes me a little sad that somewhere along the line, these assumptions are what they have come across.

October has brought cold weather. At this point it is similar to winter in Seattle as far as the temperature goes, so I am not so sure I am prepared for what is to come in the next few months. I may be spending a lot more time next to my heater!

Yesterday my family left for the week. Originally I was going to go to Berlin this weekend but it turned out my German class does not have a break at the same time as everyone else, so I stayed home. I have the house to myself and very little to do until Saturday.

Until next time...

My life here is a hybrid between highly regimented, kid oriented, family life and then straight up craziness. I go from drawing puppies and singing Hannah Montana to having beers with people from every corner of the world and wandering around Frankfurt for hours. I am loving this.

Glorious

Today I felt sleepy, annoyed, and absolutely wonderful.

I felt like for the first time, the girls really were loving spending time with me. We connected, we were silly, we laughed. A few days after I got here we made a guitar and microphone and headsets for a band and we practiced some songs from Camp Rock. It seemed like one of those things that we would do for a few hours and move on. But they went as far as to tell their mom how excited they were that I was not only willing to make something with them, but use it and be silly with them.

They have really stuck with this and even have written their own songs. It has been so wonderful watching their little minds be creative and passionate! Inga, 9, wrote a song about feeling shy and alone but wanting to be bold and have some direction. I was so blown away by her taking the time to write out her feelings like that and then sharing them with me. Gesa, 7, and I made up a song together today on our way home from school. And she really ran with it and added it to our repertoire. We spent about 20 minutes tonight on the lyrics and rehearsing both songs.

Our relationship is still building but it gave me such joy to really feel the bond building between the three of us. These girls are reluctant to trust me in some ways, after having the same Au Pair for 5 years, but they are smart and funny and talented and have a great sense for other people's feelings and I am really glad to be a part of all of this!