So Long

I walked through the door, expecting to hear dinner. It had been left slightly ajar and the house was silent. “Hello?” I called into the darkness. I lay my keys down on the table and got a glass of water. You promised you’d be home. Upstairs I hear the floorboards creaking. “Hello?” The creaks turn to heavy steps, slowly shuffling down the hall. My breathing becomes shallow; I am not brave like you. “Hello?” I croak. I cannot disguise my fear. The footsteps stop. Being calm is not my strong point but I manage to navigate my way to the phone. I begin dialing your number and the footsteps return, eagerly making their way to the stairs. My fingers must have tripled in size because I can’t dial the right numbers. Tears begin to well in my eyes. You promised you’d be home.

My body begins to fold into itself on the floor and I wonder; when did I become this woman? My home is dark and empty besides myself and the footsteps. And I lay crumpled on the kitchen floor. I am afraid but I can manage. I am disappointed, even that I can manage. But, I am alone. And that I cannot fathom. Is this what happens when you’ve molded your existence around the person you love? I look up and realize the footsteps have reached the kitchen and are watching me from the doorway. Quietly, I dissolve into panic but never look away.

The light flickers on and I hear someone scream, ravenously. You said you’d be home, and there you are. “Did I scare you?” You ask me gently. You sit on the cold tile next to me and take my hand. “What the hell were you doing?” I cannot disguise my exasperation. “I have a surprise for you.”

You carry me up the stairs as I try to steady my breathing. You’ve never carried me anywhere.

one time

We can’t all be so lucky
To look like you do
You give me that stare
And you know what I’ll do
But I don’t really like you
At least, I don’t really want to

Not everyone is so stupid
To look back at you
I pretend not to care
When you force me to share
But I’m not fooling you
And that’s all I want to do.

Quantity

There have been too many times that I stepped into the garden and found myself, hours later, in the very same place. I fully believe I intended to move forward. This leads me to wonder how much what I believe really matters if indeed my body has its own agenda at a higher priority. Until the first day this happened, I fully believed we were all in cooperation. As the days pass my desires matter very little. My beliefs even less.

Twice now you’ve stopped in while I was tangled in the garden. You asked if I needed help and although I heard you, I could not articulate, nor did I know, what I may or may not need. My lack of response seemed to offend. For this I felt sorry for as long as two hours.

Sometimes while I find myself going neither here nor there I try to track my thoughts. I try to follow them from where they begin to where they end. But the funny thing about thoughts is they scare quite easily. It is quite a challenge to effectively track one from start to finish. I often catch the beginning of one’s journey but somewhere between the ups and the downs I find myself blinking and that is all it takes for a thought to escape your view.

Thus far I have said very little although I fully believed it could be compelling.

Dena is no longer in Frankfurt

but I might as well make use of this blog. So I plan to post some things I've written.